WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT!

I figured the best way to kick off this blog is to start by reviewing its namesake.

In 1979 after releasing several extremely 70s albums of Christian duets Debbie and Ernie Rettino had an idea: Christian Music for CHILDREN. This was a novel idea in the 70s because it was a stupid, stupid time where they had yet to learn that carpets don’t go in the bathroom and that wood goes on the floors, not the walls. But Debbie and Ernie were discouraged, how can Christ’s redeeming love compete with your Scooby Doos or your Pink Panthers? Then it came to them. A wretched beast of equal parts flesh and paper. A shameless freak who emotionally manipulates children into singing for his sick elation. That’s right.

It’s Psalty!

This devious creature debuts as the star of one aptly named The Kids Praise Album! where he is found crying by a group of children. The children agree to praise God in order to cheer him up, spurring on a torrent of praise music sung by children with a lot of instrumentation that I can only describe as ‘a bit dinky’.

The insidiousness with Psalty that I’ve been complaining about is mostly exaggerated for comedic effect but some stupid part of me deep in my soul really does feel creeped out that this adult-voiced man is pressuring a bunch of children into cheering him up from his frequent severe mood swings. Talk to another adult about this, Psalty! You are traumatizing these children! I think in later albums he has a wife(equally terrifying). Talk to her about your feelings.

The music is oftentimes unbearable but mostly in ways I cannot fault them for, I don’t think anyone could get a chorus of singing children to sound good outside of a strict children’s-choir-for-dramatic-effect thing, the actual instrumentation is mostly boring. To the point where it sounds a bit ahead of its time for how clean and uninteresting it is. With the exception of track 18, Father I Adore you. I found the organ(early Moog?) reminiscent of a low-rent Switched On Bach, of course the charm can only go so far as it is drowned out by a chorus of singing children.

Despite the dialogue between the children and Psalty placed between each song the story of the album doesn’t go anywhere. It can mostly be described as this.

Which makes the talking segments feel largely unnecessary. In later albums they introduce stronger characters with more personality than The Kids Praise Album!’s ‘mob of unnamed singing children’. And plots that actually go places I think this is a big improvement.

In conclusion if you want your children to listen to music about The Lord I would not recommend this. Perhaps instead your children could listen to some Sufjan Stevens. They may become dour and haunted and only speak in whispers but it’s probably better I think.

More stuff coming soon.

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